You are sitting in your favourite spot, comfortable, watching your long-awaited television show. Your dog, cat, or whatever the furry little matted creature is is curled up next to you, sucking up any attention it can before you head off to bed. (Or maybe it really does like you?).
The glow of the television in your darkroom has you under its mind-numbing control when suddenly, the words Breaking News flash across your screen accompanied by an annoying Beep-e-dee-beep-beep sound that attempts to wake you up from your trance. It does its job, as the sound is loud enough to terrify the spots off the 1960’s wallpaper covering your living room!
You grab your chest, trying to recover as you squint at the television and start to wonder what the hell is going on now? After 1 year of not-so-good news on the world’s happenings, what could possibly be so New Breaking?
As the words leave the screen, you see sitting there a somewhat nervous-looking newsman. He’s wearing his best Target dress shirt and a tie that you know has been handed down by his own grandpa. You don’t know it yet, but you will soon enough that you are looking at the newest member of the House of 1000 Books news team. Sweat trickles down his forehead staring at the camera like a deer hypnotized by the lights of an oncoming tractor-trailer.
A voice is heard, not in view of the shot, “GO! Topher, you’re live!”
The newsman slowly blinks and clears his throat of any unseen frogs before he starts.
In a pitiful voice, lacking any power whatsoever, Topher starts. “Um, ah, yes, well…can I have your attention, please? I have some essential news to announce…”
You mumble to yourself, “You have it, jackass.”
Your television screen quickly goes to a commercial as you hear somebody start to shout…” SNAP OUT OF IT…” and the screen soon goes to an advertisement for the new state-of-the-art Tape Measure Belt with its magnificent deal of 7 equal payments of 19.99 and it can be YOURS!
You figure what the hell? You start to reach for your wallet that is resting on your coffee table. Unlucky for you, the commercial ends! You were just about to possibly make the best purchase of your life!
Looking a bit more confident back on the screen is Topher Hoffman, and without hesitation, he starts in his best news anchor voice.
“Ladies and gentlemen, tonight! I have heard some very thrilling and shocking news about the author Keith D. Graham. Yes, yes, that’s right, folks! The very same man known around the literature world as the Casanova of words. The man is perceived around his woodshop as Keith Four Thumbs, obviously referring to his dreadful accident last year chopping off half his thumb. It left him with 1 and ½ thumbs. But folks, that hasn’t stopped him! Reminds me of a story my mom used to say, it’s always better to have two ball…er wait..live t.v….right.
This man, folks, is as tough as a two-dollar steak!
Well, that is before he found out the next piece of news. So, now ladies and gentlemen, please make sure you are sitting down because if you are like me, if you aren’t, you surely will fall down!”
You lean forward into the tv, welcoming the news you are about to hear, your eyes are glued to the screen.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Graham has finally met his match! He will soon be a Grandfather!” Topher slams his fist on the desk! ” THAT’S RIGHT! A grand-daddy! A pappa! A Grandpappi!”
Topher holds a picture of Keith with a baby! “You see this man here! He has finally met his match! After all these years of fighting the good fight, he will soon face the greatest battle of his life! And who do you think will win? My money is on the baby, folks! That baby will have him wrapped up so tight around his chubby little baby finger that you will be waiting for another 15 years before Grahm comes out with his new book!”
Remember! You heard it first here, folks! Right here on The House of 1000 Books News! Thank you, and good night!”
You sit back, resting on your couch. You can’t believe your ears! Grandpa Graham…
Note: Although this story is something I pulled out of my twisted brain, head, this news is genuine!
So with that, I would like to congratulate Keith and his wife, Granny Graham, alongside the couple who partook in the baby-making ritual! Here’s wishing you many years of happiness and joy with the new addition!
Categories: Book Breaking News